Just me on my journey through the most important 20 pounds lost of my life.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


HW: 185
CW: 152

First GW: 148 (April 16)
Second GW: 145 (April 21)
Third GW: 142 (April 26)
Forth GW: 138 (May 3)
Fifth GW: 135 (May 8)
Sixth GW: 130 (May 15)

I am so proud of myself.

I almost passed out walking from my room to the washroom so I decided I needed to eat something today, even though I was fasting. But I wanted it to be very tight knit, controlled, very little, just enough.
So I decided to munch a bit on what my mom was making for dinner : beef, cream sauce, and rice.
Well I'm vegan now, so I can't have cream or beef, so I just got a couple spoonfuls of rice, covered it in spices and lemon, and ate that bit with 3 or 4 glasses of water.
I am completely full! I am so proud of myself for keeping perspective with the food :)
Tomorrow I start Ana Boot Camp!
Very excited~*

My mom is cooking dinner.

Saying no is always kindof difficult. Especially when she gives me that look like "what're you gonna eat if you don't eat this? you are starving yourself arn't you?"
Maybe that's just the guilt of lying to her projected or something. She just keeps accusing me of having an eating disorder and I keep denyingdenyingdenying for my life so I feel like I'm lying, well I guess I am just flat out lying eh. :(

BTW I'm 153! So I am definitely going to meet my goal of 152 by April 12th~ I mean after binging my weight is up a pound but it's all water I'm sure so after fasting today It'll all be good. It's so nice to see myself finally really progressing.

So as opposed to what my stupid post yesterday said, I binged.

but it's alright.
Fasting today, then tomorrow I start abc. I'm ready.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Food log:

I want to eat about 500 cals today. Maybe a bit more nothing over 700 though. Just want to keep from binging and keep losing lbs.

What I've eaten so far:
1 boiled egg
a pack of carnation breakfast and milk
collectively about 200 cals~

So I'll aim for about 300 more, prolly at my friend's house which may be kindof hard since they all eat so much all dang day but I can do it :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

So I broke my fast, though it has been at least 24 hours I am still kindof disappointed. I ate some salad.
About 100 cals I'd say.
I just had stomach pain so awful I needed something other than diet soda and sugar free jello.
Tomarrow I am allotting myself 500 cals. Ill eat ramen more than likely.
Pretty dang proud of myself, if even a bit disappointed :)

But either way I am hitting 500 cals a day Saturday and Sunday until I start ABC on Monday with others in the PT forums.
Guess it's my prep for Ana boot Camp lol~

Thinspo for the rest of the night

I'm very happy

Today has been a pretty successful fast, the only thing is that I haven't had any water today. I'm just really not craving water or wanting it at all. I know it's bad but idk, I just can't make myself. I'll definitely get a glass down before bed.



Thursday, April 7, 2011

Food plan for tomorrow (technically today but I haven't slept yet) APRIL 8, 2012

Today is fasting, but there are 2 exceptions:
Diet pepsi
Extra watermelon gum (I think the calories burned chewing it will outnumber the amount of calories it is)
And of course I need to down water to keep from dehydration~

I will be successful
I am a successful person
I will beautiful for my love :)

Black forest cupcakes

A little food porn sorry

Tid bit of thinspo to get me through tomorrow :)

I love that empty feeling

I binged earlier but I can feel the food disappear slowly. I just drank a diet Pepsi and I got a little fizzy almostbutnot burning sensation in my stomach. It was the best feeling I could have.
I am almost clean. And after my fast and I will be clean and ready to start ABC on Monday. This time it will be a bit more successful just because I will have the support of the GD in the forums on Pretty Thin.
I'm not happy, but I have that little tingle of pre-happiness burning the edges of my mind.
Of course I can't always embrace happiness because it's when I do that I let myself eat, which send me back to the dark place I don't like to revsit :(
I'm almost there.

April 12: 152 and dying my hair blonde :)

That moment when you say goodnight to your love and you both hesitate to hang up

I am watching an episode of supersize vs super skinny

I honestly feel like I look like the 400 hundred pound man and want to look like the 94 pound woman.

Talked to my sister civilly for the first time in weeks

Ill just never look at her the same again.
I just can't believe her. I just can't.

So yesterday I succeeded with my 700 cals

but today I binged. I feel so disgusting. I am worse than dirt.
So I am going to go on a 48 hour fast drinking water and diet coke and taking some laxatives then slowly start eating soups under 500 cals. Then slowly work up to harder protein but not over 800 calories AT ANY TIME. 135 LBS BY MAY 15TH AND THATS THAT.

152 BY APRIL 12
145 BY APRIL 26

I am seriously having trouble with exercise though. I just don't have the energy. I'm thinking it's because I'm anemic again. boo.

I win!

I did it!

700 cals

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Okay so I am laying out a general plan for tomarrow, a schedule of sorts

Eating Plan

Think Thin Brownie Protein Bar 230 cals
1/2 cup grapenut cereal 200 cals
1/2 cup 2% milk 43 cals
1/4 cup sliced strawberries 14 cals
200 cals to spend on whatever my little ole heart desires~ preferably something that will kill any particular cravings

Day plan

9:00 AM Wake Up
9:00-10:00 AM check the PT forums, write in blog, call CarolHellerSmith, eat breakfast, relax
10:00-11:00 AM Get dolled up for school
11:00 AM - 3:00 PM Schoolschoolschool
3:10-5:00 PM Go over to the park and walk about 4 miles at least
5:00 PM Home
5:30 PM Eat dinner
5:30-9:00 PM Hangout, check the forums, play piano/guitar, drawing journal, shower
9:30 PM Snack
11:30 PM I really want to try and get to bed by this time, I'm a total insomniac so it'll be a challenge, but I'll gulp down that melatonin and make it happen! :)

School Plan

As long as I can get at least 3-4 lessons done I'll be happy. I just want to make a bit of progress, nothing too progressive because I can't finish till May for financial reasons.

So what did I learn today? I like plans. A lot. They keep the nagging anxiety away. But anyone who plans knows this: You plan and God laughs.
However that doesn't apply to my weight loss cos God is totally on my side with that one. I deserve to be happy, I know I do. And what will make me happy is my love and my self-love.

I love how he calls me sweety

I finally figured it out

So this is what I need to do in order to be 145 by April 26 and 135 by May 15 (the official day I leave town).

700 calories every day, no exceptions. It can be anything I want, healthy or not, however mostly it'll be healthy or I'll feel too guilty and binge.
Exercise lightly 1-3 times a week~ So naturally it'll be walking 1-3 miles at least 3 times a week
And according to this weight loss calculator I will be in business!


Link: http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal_act.php

Next goal
April 12: 152 lbs

I can seriously do this I am so stoked right now

PS I ended up not staying at the hospital thankfully, but I did get a good perspective change. I needed a bit of a jolt out of this warped way of living I lead. Thanks God, I appreciate you doing all you do. :)
Im going to the hospital for depression/anxiety

Monday, April 4, 2011

I posted a thread on whyeat.net for an ana buddy

I just need someone to talk to and at the same time someone to make me feel sane.
I don't think I am unreasonable or insane, but I feel like everyone makes it out to be like I am just a super obsessive ocd maniac who has every mental disorder in the book. Give me a break, please. I'm so tired.
And I wish I could find my klonopin. I need a good sleep.

Im a failure

No food, just lemonade, spices, and a boiled egg everyday for a week.
+ the 100 workout.
100 Jumping Jacks 90 Crunches 80 Squats 70 Leg Lifts 60 Jumping Jacks 50 Crunches 40 Squats 30 Leg Lifts 20 Jumping Jacks 10 Minutes Running.
Ill be posting every 5 seconds losing my sanity but I need to do it because I binged so bad today. I feel like i'm going to throw up.
Also starting up the slim quick pills tomorrow. It's looking like I am gonna need them.

When I hit 150 (by friday) I'm going to dye my hair blonde. It's my reward. When I hit 145, I'm going to stop taking diet pills. When I hit 140 I am going to buy some new clothes YAY. When I hit 135 I'm getting a tattoo. Rose on the front of my shoulder. Don't judge.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Today's fast

DAMN i screwed up.
48 hour fast starting now.

only sugar free carmels and 0 cal sweet tea for 2 days. seriously.

damn my mother for taking me out to eat then staring me down at the table
AND i think i have food poisoning from it

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The people I look up to

Taylor Jacobson

Audrey Kitching

Mat Devine

April 3, 2011

Fasting 24 hours starting.... NOW

Food log April 2, 2011

500 Calories:
2 slices of wheat toast
1.5 tbsp of honey
1 boiled egg
A couple sips of sweet coffee

All eaten first thing this morning so I have all day to thoroughly burn it off :)

I drank a couple of cups of coffee more, add about 100 cals. I also did a bit of exercise so it should hit at about 500 still.

3 ritz crackers
1.5 tbsp spinach dip
1 package (2 servings) ramen
2 strawberry ice (only like 5 cals each)

Collectively today I ate under 900 calories but thats over what I planned x.x.x..x.x.x..x

TOMARROW I am fasting all day no doubt I need to obliterate my appitite

So last night I did a little more research and

decided a 48 hour fast won't be very good for what i want to do. So I decided to go with the ABC diet (ana boot camp). 12 pounds by April 26, 2011 :)

Binge free: 1 day
HW: 185
CW: 159
LW: 149
GW: 145
UGW: 135

Friday, April 1, 2011

Planning a fast

I took a Slimquick Ultra pill yesterday and it wasn't even remotely energizing though it did help a bit with appetite. But even worse than it's lack of help with energy is that about 5 or so hours after taking it I got bad bad     chest pain. I do have panic attacks sometimes but that was completely out of nowhere. I think I'm going to ditch them till my last week before I go out of town (May 1st).

So yesterday I ate:
1 can minestrone soup
2 slices wheat bread
8 saltine crackers
.7 tbsp of peanut butter
1 cup sugar-free jello
1 Naked smoothie
About 610 calories collectively (estimation might be a bit less/more)

Today have eaten:
2 servings Naked smoothie 260 cals
1 slice whole grain toast 70 cals
1.5 tsp honey (not sure how many, maybe 50 or so?)
I might have to go out to eat later, so i'm saving the rest of my calories for that. If we do go out I'll have a small casear salad, not sure about calories on that.

Then Saturday and Sunday I am going to fast with about 30 minutes walking each day to keep my metabolism from destroying itself.

I just want to be pretty enough for someone I think I love.